Happy vs. Despair

Some positive things happening this week with Cortland:

Cortland repeating the word baseball almost perfectly. Now read that sentence again. He's not spontaneously speaking, he's repeating what his daddy motor-planned for him. His brain is getting better - much better - at doing his own motor-planning, but it's going to be his brain going over and over and over the word baseball before he can make his mouth do the shapes it takes for the word to come out spontaneously.

C's OT said that he's been doing a five step obstacle course like a pro and that Monday he was having so much fun he didn't want to leave. Yay, I'm so glad he's having fun while learning how to find his balance and figure out where his body is in space. Maybe soon he won't have to fling himself to the ground to stop running. He'll know to just tell his legs to stop and they will actually mind him. And talking about running and flinging to a stop - the flings are more dramatic lately because he's running so much better.

He threw a COLOSSAL fit when he didn't want to leave the park, but he calmed himself down when I set him outside of the wagon (after 5 minutes of shrill, staccato screaming... him, not me) and we talked a minute and put on shoes. Now this was a big deal for both of us. He has always just gone with the flow.

Me: Time to go. (Plop him in the wagon and off we go lickity-split)
Cortland: Meh, okay, whatever.

I now know that I have to learn how to parent this new child who is becoming someone different than the one I've known for the last 3 years. I can totally do that - I'm not complaining - but did I have to learn this lovely leason in parenting in front of my husband who I'm still not sure has forgiven me yet? FYI Alan - I get it! I know I royally screwed up that parenting lesson. Please give me hugs and tell me it's okay because I totally need that validation. And uh, forgive me also for asking for it in a public forum. Probably not cool either...

Last night Cortland sent his battery powered train off into the kitchen while crawling behind it with his little toy driver hopping along yelling "Come back! Come back!" Cutest thing ever.

Now for why I've been so quiet this week regardless of all of this positive stuff. Cortland's pre-school has a Facebook page and they post videos of the kids throughout the day. Now every video I can see the marked differences between Cortland and the other kids. It's not a bad difference, but different none the less. A video posted last week shows all of the kids in music class. They are all marching in the infantry and flying in the calvary and shooting the artillery all in the lords army - except mine. He's spinning spinning spinning spinning. (and still spinning and spinning)

It's called stimming and it helps him turn inside himself when there's just too much going on around him. It's not dancing like I've told everyone who sees him spinning. It's just not and it breaks my heart. When I even just think of that video I cry big silent inside crying with outside tears.

It's the cry that my therapist is trying to get me to stop doing and start doing the boo-hoo cry. I'm not there yet. I'm afraid if I start the boo-hoo cry I may never stop. And if I do stop, will I really feel better or just empty and alone? Will the boo-hoo cry make me feel, in the end, like I have just given up? I'm not ready to find out so I just cry my very quiet tears.

I am positive. And I can see the improvement. But that doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache sometimes with sadness.