Swimming and Berries

Cute thing overheard at lunch today:

Cortland: (looking at Lucas eating blueberries) Those are strawberries!

Lucas: Nuh-uh. They're blue. They're grapeberries.

Cortland: Oh ya, grapeberries!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, sometimes I'm smacked right between the eyes with the knowledge that my son isn't the same as other kiddos. He has come so far and it's amazing how much he has accomplished in the last year. His motor-planning has increased to almost age appropriate. I forget, I guess, how much work he's done to get this far and how long it's taken to get him to do and try new things. Remember when he wouldn't swing or go down a slide? Yeah, I do too.

He is taking group swim lessons this month. Or I should say he was taking group swim lessons this month. After the second lesson (tonight) I went and talked to the lesson coordinator at the Y about switching him to private lessons. Cortland's instructor was spending 1/2 of the class just trying to get C off the steps and in the water. After he would get him in, Cortland would scream and scream (and scream and scream and scream). It wasn't fair to the other students who, after 1 1/2 classes, were already jumping in off the side and starting to doggie-paddle around.

After class I talked to the teacher and he suggested C take a class for kids with "special needs." (Air quotes and all)

I didn't realize how great it's been this summer not seeing Cortland surrounded by so-called normal kids. We see kids at the occupational therapist and Lucas. Lucas has a special connection with Cortland. He adapts his play so the differences aren't screamingly obvious like they are at the playground or even in C's school videos last year.

I almost forgot what this lump in my throat feels like. Schools starts next week so I guess I'd better get used to it.

ETA: I forgot to tell you that this summer I experienced what Cortland must feel like on uneven surfaces (and possibly in a swimming pools and swings and trampolines and steps.) I went down one of those tube-type water slides and when I popped out at the end I didn't know up from down. Completely disoriented. I didn't like it at all! I even did it a couple more times to see if I could get used to the sensation. Nope. Sucked every time.

So if you get an opportunity to do a water slide - Do. It. Even if that means you have to get into a bathing suit in public.

Essay for Foster to Adopt

I grew up as an only child and loved it. Both of my parents were raised in the age of corporal punishment and made the decision that I would not be raised in that environment. And I wasn't. Spanking and time-outs were foreign concepts to me. That doesn't mean I wasn't removed from a situation when misbehaving - I was. With my parents. We would have to go home and there was no more fun at the park, friends house, toy store, etc. Or, heaven forbid, I would have to sit next to my mom or dad with the grown-ups if I was acting out somewhere. I knew what was expected and the expectations were consistant.

People tell me now how well-behaved my son Cortland, who is three, is and I know it's because I learned from my parents that consistency on the parents part is a must. Ah! I sound so proud of myself, don't I? I'm actually very proud of him. We have our fair share of corrections to behavior, but, for the most part, we we're blessed with an exceptionally easy-to-redirect child.

My memories of childhood are happy. I remember spending fun summers with my grandma, aunt and cousins in Iowa. There were Penny Hunts and birthday parties and always lots of family and friends around. I loved playing board games like Forest Friends, Sorry and Trouble with my parents. When I got older it was card games Skip-Bo, Uno and Gin. It's funny now, but I was always a little annoyed that my teenage friends would rather sit around the kitchen table on a Friday night with my parents and me and play Gin. Now I can only hope that Cortland's friends feel the same when he gets older. I learned early that I wouldn't always win, and that was okay. Learning how to lose graciously has served me well in life.

My teen years were hard. I was an emotional kid and tended to speak my mind. I took to heart injustices to myself and to those around me. I had issues recognizing which "causes" to plant my flag and which to just let go. My parents provided counseling on and off from the time I was 13 - 18 so I could have someone to talk through the daily complexities of being a teenager. They knew I would have things I just couldn't talk to them about and they were okay with that. I know now how hard that was on my mom especially. I'm so glad she didn't try to be my best friend then, and, because of that, she is my best friend now.

The next chapter in my life was quite the learning experience. I was married to my high-school sweetheart at 19. He was an artist and came from a very different family situation than I did. I accept now (after many, many books and lots of counseling) that  you can't "fix" someone. I wanted my marriage to be like my parents marriage. A marriage of partnership, love, trust, kindness and respect. That is not what I got. I tried for 10 years to make that happen and finally had an epiphany that my then husband didn't know how - and wasn't willing to learn - to have a marriage like that.

I have thought hard about whether, if given the chance, I could erase and do over those years between 16 and 30. I wouldn't. I know that those experiences have shaped me to be the person I am today and shaped the choices I have made in the last nine years that have manifested in the life I lead today.

My husband and I were friends before we started dating. He just understood me. He got my personality and my sense of humor. It was (and still is) easy to be with him. He's my best friend. I know everyone says marriage isn't supposed to be easy, it takes work and sometimes struggle - I don't buy that. Been there, done that and it was not fun. Being married to Alan is fun. We disagree and we have struggles in life that we work through together. But our actual marriage? Not a struggle.

Alan and I have had to deal infertility. We have been through two ectopic pregnancies and one failed round of IVF. (Not to mention my poor husband got to deal with an hormonal nut-case for two years. One year while on hormone shots during two rounds of IVF and 35 weeks of pregnancy! That man deserves a medal!) We also held hands during the 5 1/2 week early delivery of our son and the subsequent 10 days he was in NICU. But we did it together and somehow that made it bearable.

My life today is blessed. I still hate doing laundry and dishes (who doesn't!) and, being a stay-at-home-mom, those are part of my job description. I drive my son to his occupational and speech therapy twice a week and he sees a funcional neurologist twice a month for his motor-planning and low-tone issues. I am in charge of making sure that OT is incorporated in his at home play. Which means I make sure Alan knows what's going on with Cortland's therapy and how he can make his playtime beneficial, too. We also have weekly play-dates with friends. And on Friday we do a fun outing - anything from just going out to eat at a sit-down restaurant (to practice table manners) to going to the Dallas Aquarium or the waterpark.

As for me, I love to knit. That is my downtime. I could bore to to pieces with why I love to knit and how enjoyable and calming it is to me. I also work out at the YMCA three(ish) times a week. Every Sunday we spend the day at my in-laws in Arlington. I love having family so close and am especially lucky that I love my in-laws and think of them as friends. Time at their house is relaxing and peaceful. I also read. Right now I'm reading books about fun activities to do in the summer with a sensory kid, but I just finished up the King of Thrones series, so it's not all work-reading.

Alan and I have always wanted another child. We thought long and hard about trying IVF again and about straight adoption. The money issue is the reason we decided not to go that route, but not for the obvious reasons. We can afford either option, but feel that money is better spent on education for Cortland or any other child we would be lucky enough to have. Foster to Adopt is a win-win. I feel like there is so much more I could be doing for the community and loving children is what I excel at. I know that whatever loving foundation I can provide for a child will be paramount to my own emotional ramifications reunification would mean. It's not about me, it's all about the child.

Vestibular Spinning Board

This is what we do a couple of times a day. This is obviously 1st thing in the morning if my hair is any indication.

We spin Cortland on his back counter-clockwise to help with his speech. And the side spin is done with C facing into the spin  and we can go either direction as long as he's going forward. This affects his vestibular system and helps with balance and coordination.

He actually asks to be spun now which leads me to believe that along with the obvious improvements we've seen, the spinning also makes him feel better.

Alan's dad made the board with 1/2 plywood cut to 38"x 24". He purchased a wooden lazy susan from Big Lots and then replaced the spinning part with one purchased from Home Depot that is rated up to 500 lbs. I then cut the corners off and covered with upholstery fabric over several layers of quilt liner.

I've never seen my actual expressions when trying to understand what Cortland is trying to say. Just so you know, I must make those faces a whole freaking lot since lately he's always trying to say something.

Happy vs. Despair

Some positive things happening this week with Cortland:

Cortland repeating the word baseball almost perfectly. Now read that sentence again. He's not spontaneously speaking, he's repeating what his daddy motor-planned for him. His brain is getting better - much better - at doing his own motor-planning, but it's going to be his brain going over and over and over the word baseball before he can make his mouth do the shapes it takes for the word to come out spontaneously.

C's OT said that he's been doing a five step obstacle course like a pro and that Monday he was having so much fun he didn't want to leave. Yay, I'm so glad he's having fun while learning how to find his balance and figure out where his body is in space. Maybe soon he won't have to fling himself to the ground to stop running. He'll know to just tell his legs to stop and they will actually mind him. And talking about running and flinging to a stop - the flings are more dramatic lately because he's running so much better.

He threw a COLOSSAL fit when he didn't want to leave the park, but he calmed himself down when I set him outside of the wagon (after 5 minutes of shrill, staccato screaming... him, not me) and we talked a minute and put on shoes. Now this was a big deal for both of us. He has always just gone with the flow.

Me: Time to go. (Plop him in the wagon and off we go lickity-split)
Cortland: Meh, okay, whatever.

I now know that I have to learn how to parent this new child who is becoming someone different than the one I've known for the last 3 years. I can totally do that - I'm not complaining - but did I have to learn this lovely leason in parenting in front of my husband who I'm still not sure has forgiven me yet? FYI Alan - I get it! I know I royally screwed up that parenting lesson. Please give me hugs and tell me it's okay because I totally need that validation. And uh, forgive me also for asking for it in a public forum. Probably not cool either...

Last night Cortland sent his battery powered train off into the kitchen while crawling behind it with his little toy driver hopping along yelling "Come back! Come back!" Cutest thing ever.

Now for why I've been so quiet this week regardless of all of this positive stuff. Cortland's pre-school has a Facebook page and they post videos of the kids throughout the day. Now every video I can see the marked differences between Cortland and the other kids. It's not a bad difference, but different none the less. A video posted last week shows all of the kids in music class. They are all marching in the infantry and flying in the calvary and shooting the artillery all in the lords army - except mine. He's spinning spinning spinning spinning. (and still spinning and spinning)

It's called stimming and it helps him turn inside himself when there's just too much going on around him. It's not dancing like I've told everyone who sees him spinning. It's just not and it breaks my heart. When I even just think of that video I cry big silent inside crying with outside tears.

It's the cry that my therapist is trying to get me to stop doing and start doing the boo-hoo cry. I'm not there yet. I'm afraid if I start the boo-hoo cry I may never stop. And if I do stop, will I really feel better or just empty and alone? Will the boo-hoo cry make me feel, in the end, like I have just given up? I'm not ready to find out so I just cry my very quiet tears.

I am positive. And I can see the improvement. But that doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache sometimes with sadness.

Functional Neurology

First off let me tell you how excited I am that I just got $400 worth of the CUTEST shirts from Ann Taylor Loft for $125. And they're a size medium. Yay Me!

And now let me tell you all about Cortland's brain as I understand it. Dr. Rosenthal said we need to work to get the receptors recepting in four parts of his brain.

Basal Ganglia - Memorization and motor actions

Parietal Lobe - Orientation of where he is physically

TREATMENT - We have special glasses with yellow lenses and flashing red lights that activate this part of the brain. I'm not sure if its this brand, but Eyelights are similar except C's lenses are yellow. Cortland is to wear then three times a day for five minutes each time and gradually increase the time worn on a weekly basis.

Temporal Lobe - Speech, vision, sound, smell and personal relationships

TREATMENT - The talking to the left eye and negative reinforcement helps this part of the brain.

RESULTS: Dr. Rosethal said this part of the treatment possibly is why Cortland gave me my first ever unprompted kiss last night. It also could explain the huge language leap this week which includes saying colors and lots of three and four work phrases that happened in the last week. Not to mention the fact that C actively sought out my mom and others to play when we were visiting last weekend.

Cerebellum - Coordination, balance, cognition, fine tunes motor activity

Our other homework this week is to continue having Cortland push is big exercise ball around since he stands correctly while doing that. He love to chase me around the house with a ball almost as tall as he is. We're also to play catch with dodgeball size balls and larger from at least 7ish feet away from each other. That makes him see more than just one focal point.

I'll keep you posted on results.

The Weekend

Didn't you feed him this weekend?

Well, that's the $20,000 question, isn't it? My kiddo hasn't eaten properly in weeks. Tonight after we got home Cortland gobbled down a whole hotdog and a HUGE ear of corn. He was also asking for a "wokch" but that's also the word for rock so we had no idea what he wanted. (If it was a rock then too bad. I love him and would move the world for him, but watch him gnaw on a rock? Not gonna happen.)

We had a great time visiting my mom and many other family members this weekend. We drove to Dighton, KS with my mom, Aunt Jeannie and grandma to visit my grandmother's cousin. Both of them will be 89 in the next couple months. Can you believe that? My Grams will be 89. Along the way she told me stories about growing up and why the towns were 8 miles apart. It's because that's how far the horses could go, round trip, in a days time to visit the grocery store.

We got to drive by the houses she lived in when she was a little girl and the house my mom grew up in when she was little. I also learned that my mom was a big ol' liar 40 years ago and told my grams that she had slipped on a rug the weekend she hurt her back by plummeting to the ground when her parachute wouldn't open. Grams told me she still remembers thinking it was the ugly orange rug my mom had bought and that she'd never liked that rug.

The 1st night Cortland and I got to KS I explained the homework Dr. Rosenthal gave us for this week. I had to give negative reinforcement and talk to C's left eyeball. Not all the time, just a few times a day. My mom was also supposed to ignore C until he started to seek her out. Another negative reinforcement. Something about waking up the right brain.

So there I am all weekend talking to my kids left eyeball and and there he is looking at me like I'm a crazy loon.

But he ate a hotdog. And brocoli. And chicken. And talking and playing with us and toys. And willingly playing with my mom. Crazy sounding or not left eyeball talking will continue.

No pictures from the trip yet because I forgot my camera in Ness City, KS at my Aunt Joyce's house. When she sends it back you'll get to see pictures of the cutest hedgehogs ever! I totally want one. They looked just like Pinny Needlkins from Diggy Takes His Pick.

A great book my mom saved for the last 35 years that I stole from her when Cortland was born so he could have it read to him too.

Now this whole hedgehog purchase has not been Alan-approved yet. He put his foot down about getting a frog. Something about "that's no life for a frog to be stuck in a little box." Blah blah blah. Him and his harm no bugs or frogs rules. So difficult. Guess that rules out the hand/eye coordination exercise I had planned for C that entailed the use of a magnifying glass and a few pesky ants.

Talking Back

Cortland has been doing great with his therapy. While in KS for 2 weeks he mastered M, P, O and B. This week our homework was to use Bee and Bow and Bye and Boo if Bee and Bow went good. It's not going so as good as expected. I say, "Say Bee." and he says, NO, NO!" and runs away.

I've tried everything I can think of. Say Bee before opening the back door. Whatever. He then just doesn't want to go outside anymore. I drew a bee on the milk carton and tried to get him to say Bee before he could have milk. He thinks I'm crazy because Duh, that's obviously milk and not a bee.

I've tried playing find the bee in the book. I've put bees in the trains. I've tried singing silly songs. I've buzzed around the house with him looking at me like I've gone loony on him.

I know he can say it because he has said it with his grandma. But he's not applying it to an actual bee.

Forgot to mention he has a motor-speech delay. He understands everything we say, he just can't get his brain to make his mouth talk back.

Letter to Aunt Joyce

Letter to my Aunt in response to her email:

Dear Aunt Joyce,

(Personal personal personal... (go check your email for this stuff))

I've been concerned about Cortland for a while. The pediatrician said to just wait and see - up until our last visit in January when he found out that C still hadn't said mommy (he said mom once and I haven't heard it since and boy, have I been listening for it!) and didn't point to things he wants or needs. Like milk, juice, food... You know how a mother just "knows" when there's something not right? Yeah, that's how I felt.

So we called ECI, a county program that evaluates young children and recommends a course of action. He started speech therapy with Jen in February, and it has made a discernible difference. No consistant talking yet, but we get pointing now, and he's doing lots more back and forth playing with us. He's communicating and that's huge. He's even had a few temper tantrums. heh. Who in their right mind would be thrilled about that?! Me, that's who.

Jen brought in an occupational therapist because she noticed that he has low muscle tone. Jen said that the low muscle tone exacerbates the no speech thing. He can't turn door knobs; he sits in a W; he lays on the floor to push cars back and forth for very long periods of time; his tongue still peeps out of his mouth when he's in a relaxed state (which is often); he will stay reclined on the couch for hours if we would let him.

******ETA - Wow, rereading this makes my child sound like a potato! He's totally not! He smiles and runs around and pushes his shopping cart and all kinds of kid stuff. He loves to color and draw on his easel and paint and play with play-do and dig in the dirt and run on the playground.... The things listed in the paragraph above and the rest of the post below are just the trouble-spots! Not the whole-spot. Holy-cow. He's not a little lump by any means!

Jen also brought in a social therapist for lack of eye contact, not responding to his name (which he is responding to much more now), and not interacting with people around him. He will play with stuff but, if you really observe, when playing with him he doesn't often follow you around to see what you're doing.

As much as I would like to think that's just his personality, it's not typical for a toddler and following and imitating us is how toddlers learn. If he's not imitating and showing any interest in what we're doing, (ie. getting under our feet when we're trying to sew, cook, knit, scrub floors) then he isn't learning all he needs to. He likes to be in his own little world.

That's not to say he doesn't act like a kid. He does engage sometimes. He is so pleasant, in fact, that I wondered if a social therapist was even necessary. I LOVE how easy a kiddo he is, Only problem is that he isn't supposed to be this easy!

I know, crazy to want to mess with a good thing. But he is easy because he's not engaging with the real world and just because we like the whole can-leave-him-in-a-room-and-know-he-won't-mess-with-anything thing doesn't mean that's what's best for him.

He needs to have the natural curiosity of a toddler. He NEEDS to get into stuff and challenge authority and all of the other stuff kids do or he won't learn what he's supposed to be learning right now.

He is the absolute sweetest little boy. And someday soon I hope he will give me a hug and call me mommy. That he will reach up for me when I come to his room in the morning to get him out of bed. That when I pick him up he will wrap his legs and arms around me and hold on tight. But those things can't happen without also opening the door to all of the other typical characteristics of two year olds.

I'm good with that. I look forward to the day that I can't sit next to him and knit for 1 1/2 hours with him never tryig to steal my needles and mess with my yarn or even trying to get my attention. I am willing to trade that hour and a half if it means that Cortland will be engaged in life around him.

Love you Aunt Joyce and thank you for your caring.

Skye

Cortland's World

This little boy right here:

Has a trifecta of therapists.

This is hard for me, not so much for C. Of course that's what the What Therapist is for. She's the one I don't think C and I are going to like much. Her job is to teach me how to pull Cortland out of his world and into ours. (And she said if he won't come out, then we are just going to invite ourselves into his for awhile.)

Everyone has an opinion on this and I think that's why I haven't posted about it before now. I don't want to have my thoughts validated or debated. I just need to stew for a bit.

I know Alan and his mom opine that the therapists are just covering all their bases (asses) and maybe going a little overboard. I hear what Marla is saying when she points out that it's the therapist job to look for even the slightest out of normal range issues and address them - even the smallest little things. And I respect that Alan doesn't think, as he says. "C is that much different than other 2 year olds."

But it's scary when I'm the only one who hears the therapist relate in what way my baby is a titch off center. Hell, I already know because I get to see every. single. day. how he is different from other kids his age.

He is so happy and funny and wonderful in so many ways. Just if only he would let me in to see his secret.

As my mom said, it feels a little like I've unleashed the Furies.